Love Restricted: How Restraining Orders Place Limits On Fathers

It is no secret that the shortage of black fathers in America has become a crisis. No matter which way you slice it, mothers who boast about being single parents are stressed out over teenagers who fall into the hands of the justice system. Even worse, most of these children limit their chances of survival in the real world when they choose to drop out of school at early ages, and are left with no job or life skills once they've completed any short or long term stints in jail, youth detention centers or prison. We are raising hardened criminals and it will only get worse if some of today's mothers opt out for he freebies and perks that go with forcing the father out of the house and away from their children. Not all fathers who aren't in their child's lives a part of the deadbeat dad crew. Contrary to popular belief, many fathers - arguably way more than deadbeat dads - are forced out of their children's lives against their will, and the tactic has become a very commonly-used strategy against fathers whose only desire is to be... a father.

There was a time when I would hear the stories about how a father would disappear and didn't care about the children. How he would disregard their birthdays and holidays and didn't send gifts or letters, nor did he call them to see how they were doing from time to time. The sob story would make me furious about the fact that not only did a black father do this to his children - but this slight was a major blow to black fathers everywhere. We are conditioned to listen to the so-called victim tell their sad stories, and though there are two sides to a story, the fact that this person may be close to you or just plain appearing hurt makes you want to help. It is human nature. But here is a story about how so many fathers fall victim to Parental Alienation. An act of child abuse so tactfully done, that many - even the perpetrator - fail to see the after-effects of their alienating deeds.

In my case, I was a husband and a father to a sweet daughter and a stepson. I wasn't the best husband, nor was I the best father. I was just like everyone else - doing the best to make it work with my wife and children. After two years, we were divorced, and I remained a major part of my daughter's life. My stepson's father was in jail at the time, and though I wanted to be a part of his life as well, a restraining order made it impossible. Immediately after we separated, I found out there was a restraining order issued against me, and though I was never served, I decided to file for divorce considering the circumstances. When I found that a divorce complaint was already filed three months prior, but never served - I simply replied and agreed that we needed to be apart. While my mind spun out of control as to why so many lies and fabrications were plastered on the affidavit for the restraining order, I never once gave it a thought that this was a known strategy in child custody issues. And I never knew this was the reason my request for joint custody of our daughter was denied and why the court gave me simple visitation only.

See, the family court system assumes that two divorcing parents will agree on joint custody matters and will work it out. But this assumption is trumped if one parent claims abuse or anything else that would show the two people have issue with one another. Here I was thinking it would be a no-brainer that I would get joint custody of our daughter, and that we were actually divorcing for mutual reasons. A closer look at the papers my ex wife filed didn't show that at all. In the end, I walked away with visitation: every other weekend and every other Wednesday overnight. This went well for about three years when I decided to file for joint physical custody again, since we seemed to be getting along. The family court judged placed the request for joint physical custody under review, and said she would send the decision in the mail. The courts have up to six months to sit on the decision, and I filed the request November 30, 2009. My request was that the joint physical custody begin on the week of February 1, 2010.

What was the mother's reply to the judge considering my request for joint custody? While we waited for the decision, and nearly three weeks after our court date [January 4, 2010 is when the judge said she'd review the matter]; my ex wife ran to the LOWER court and filed for a restraining order on January 25, 2010. The affidavit was filled with the most ridiculous and outlandish insults and accusations that no judge who would have read it would have or COULD have taken it seriously. I honestly believe that the judges in the lower courts have their hands tied when it comes to restraining orders, because violence is so prevalent in our society and anything can happen. But I still believe in justice being fair and that some of the things said on a restraining order affidavit deserves to be cross-examined. This strategy worked for the ex-wife, because on February 11, 2010, the family court judge denied my request. A three-month-old request was denied nearly one week after the extension of the falsely-filed restraining order.

To out it plainly, a judge must consider any open restraining order when considering a request for joint custody. The ex-wife may have won her battle to destroy my request for joint physical custody, but the fact that she professes to be a Christian and a so-called Gospel singer, coupled with the fact that she even went as far as using my stage name and my acclaim in the music industry to further her campaign against me - shows that there is a lot that Christian has to learn about bearing false witness against thy neighbor. I am very much a part of my daughter's life, and though I have learned to live with the few good changes in the visitation agreement that gives me more time with our child, I am prayerful that God shows women the reality of their wickedness against fathers for the sake of Welfare, Section 8, Food Stamps and other perks of keeping a father out of the lives of their children. This has given me a whole new purpose in life and I have since dedicated my life's work to assisting fathers with their child custody and visitation issues. Here's hope our people learn what Parental Alienation is and get it together. Each one teach one.